Your Timer Is Broken

Dear Parent,

Your timing for giving a reward to an easily dysregulated child means the difference between compliance, noncompliance, and the zero-to-sixty meltdown.

If you are going to use a reward to get compliance, offer it right after the positive behavior happens. In other words, if you want your child to want the reward you are offering (some might say dangling), it needs to be immediately available right after the action you asked for is done.  Otherwise, it’s not going to happen.  Even this approach is not 100%.

A reward promised for later today will not motivate.  This is the reason star charts only work once, if ever.  A child needs a more developed pre-frontal cortex to do something in the morning in exchange for a reward delivered at the end of the day, let alone at the end of the week.

Parent: "Go brush your teeth, get dressed, and be ready for your doctor appointment on time this morning and you will get to play soccer with your brother afterwards."  

Child: "Okay," and continues whatever he was doing or, worse, goes back to bed. 

Parent: "Don't you want to go to the park and play soccer?"

Child: "Yes."

Parent: "Then do what I told you to do!"

Child: "Okay, okay, I'm doing it."  

Parent: "You only have 5 minutes before we have to leave and you haven't done anything.  Fine then, you aren't going to play soccer this afternoon."

Child:  SCREAMMMMMING...” I'm not going to the appointment and you can't make me.  You are mean!"

Parent: SCREAMMMMMING...”Let's go NOW!”

And around and around you go. I have been there more than I care to confess.

Nothing is wrong with your child and nothing is wrong with you. Your timer, however, is broken.

Give a reward within five to ten minutes of the action you are trying to motivate or give up on the reward strategy altogether.  If you aren’t careful your reward may turn into a consequence before you are done.  A meltdown by one or both of you could be the result in the end.

You are important.  Get some down time today.

Love matters,

Ce

P.S. Check out the Love Matters Parenting Society membership for more support.