Yes, Yes, Yes

Dear Parent,

After giving a whole host of goods to your traumatized children at a birthday or holiday celebration, you will have to deal with the ultimate meltdowns that ensue when you have to manage access to the darned things.

For some of our children, no creates an immediate experience of deprivation that triggers old, cellular fears, often outside memory.  Sometimes your child just seems tyrannical, spoiled and unreasonable. 

Actually, the beginning of the problem started a long time ago with real deprivation, neglect, attachment breach, and maltreatment. Eventually, just the word no habituates behavioral meltdowns. One solution: Stop using that word and start creating an Environment of YES.  

• Yes, you can play with that when lunch is over. 
• Yes, you can watch that when you finish tidying up your room. 
• Yes, you can sleep with your new radio when you finish brushing your teeth and taking a bath. 
• Yes, you can have a quarter of that chocolate reindeer for dessert after dinner. 
• Yes, you can play with that in the morning. 
• Yes, you can have extra time on that when you get your dog walking done. 
• Yes, you can have a piece of candy...have two because you are sweet as chocolate. 

Work very hard to avoid saying, Yes, if you...  That may trigger the same deprivation feeling.

Use playfulness to give hurdle help to start whatever has to occur before the yes kicks in, e.g. Let's race to your room so we can clean up and get to the candy.  Ready set go. Come on, I can't wait.

Reminder:  Nothing works all the time.  Deprivation is a state of being for some of our children. Just the act of withdrawing your attention to cook dinner or wash the dishes or go to the bathroom can trigger it.  

Be assuring, soothing, understanding, accepting, and gentle, but not permissive and accepting of disrespectful or destructive behavior.  That needs correction, which is just as loving as all the emotional holding when it is done with love and clarity. 

What is the right thing for your child?  A balance of nurture and structure. Yes.

Love matters,

Ce

P.S. Check out the Love Matters Parenting Society membership for more support.