When Their Rage Feels Personal: Narcissistic Wounding in Parents of Traumatized Kids
Jul 07, 2025
Dear Parent,
Let’s say it plainly--parenting a child from a difficult beginning can sometimes feel like standing in front of a firing squad, emotionally speaking, right? The eye-rolling, the venom-laced “I hate you,” the utter rejection even when you are giving them what they want? It doesn’t just sting. It grinds you down. Of-course, it feels horrible. Worse, it might be hitting a wound you didn’t even know you had. If it is, then keep reading.
It's called narcissistic wounding. It’s not about being a narcissist (at all)—far from it. It’s about old, unmet childhood needs for love, approval, and being seen. This is nothing about bashing your parents—they did the best they could given what they had. When those needs went chronically unmet—maybe you had a parent who only valued you when you performed well, or one who dismissed your emotions as “too much,” or even a parent who made their love conditional on your behavior—then that unhealed ache lives on in your nervous system.
Fast-forward to now. You’re doing the deep work of therapeutic parenting (I hope), offering your child connection over correction, but they scream in your face that they hate you. They reject your hug. They say, “You’re the worst mom ever,” and slam the door.
And suddenly, your adult self is gone—and the small, dismissed, unworthy version of you is driving the car.
Here’s what that might look like (in non-overtly abusive homes):
- You grew up trying to earn love by being the “good one.” Now, your child spits venom when you set a limit, and you spiral into self-loathing because if they’re angry, you must be failing.
- You were never allowed to show anger as a child. Now your child’s rage ignites yours, and before you know it, you’re yelling or shutting down in shame.
- Your parent was emotionally absent, and you vowed you’d never be that. But when your child pushes you away day after day, you feel numb and disconnected, like a switch flipped inside you.
- You grew up with alcoholism, physical abuse, severe neglect, sexual abuse…You 100% have all the emotional wounds with all the emotional suffering now.
It’s not your fault. These reactions aren’t character flaws—they’re nervous system echoes, trauma triggers, automatic zero to 60 survival brain reactions. The old wound says, See? You’re still not enough. Still unlovable. Still invisible. Still need to fight, run, shut down, or make fake nice to survive your child.
But that’s not the truth.
The truth is: your child isn’t trying to wound you. They’re offloading their pain onto the safest person they have—you.
And you? You have the power to recognize the wound, meet it with compassion, and not pass it down another generation.
It doesn’t make you weak to be triggered by your child’s behavior. It makes you human. It makes you human. And it makes you brave to stay in the room regulating anyway.
If this strikes a chord, YOU CAN HEAL. If you suffered childhood abuse and/or neglect, you may need good trauma therapy to rescue those child parts that were harmed.
Compassion for your own child starts with compassion for yourself and the child you once were.
Love Matters,
️Ce
Creator of the Love+ Parenting Model found only in the Love Matters Parenting Society Therapeutic Parent Program.
Want to overcome your child's destructive behavior? Follow this link to find out how you can join the Love Matters Parenting Society today: http://start.lovemattersparenting.com/guide
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