Valentine's Day Touch Fest

Dear Parent,

Skip the chocolates and go for a touch fest. Get some skin time with someone you love.  Sex is great, though not always the first thing a tired parent wants to do.  Try taking a shower together and soap each other up.  Not quite the same as sex, but you never know what might happen.

Get some skin time another way.  Ask for a massage or a head rub. How about a hug? Friends can be terrific at giving hugs. Become a big hugger yourself.  When you give, you receive.

Okay, you probably figured me out by now.  I am talking about boosting oxytocin through touch. Oxytocin is the natural chemical released when a mother holds her baby, when lovers hold each other, when a friend holds the inner child of another.  

Oxytocin is our natural stress hormone (cortisol) buster. Studies show that arguing partners who are asked to join hands get so much oxytocin by doing so that they cannot keep arguing.  Hold hands when you need to talk about something stressful with your partner.  If things get uncomfortable and you get the urge to pull your hands away, you may lose the bonding glue and gain a cortisol-laced argument instead.  

Now, what about the kids?  Yes, our kids need touch.  Often they suffer from tactile defensiveness, pulling away from touch.  That doesn't mean we shouldn't touch them. It means we should be mindful when we touch--go slow, go soft or firm, get permission and do it just the way they want.

Adolescents are lonely and hungry for touch.  They can get it from you or from a peer. Give them lots of healthy touch and rough and tumble contact play.  It will go a long way toward keeping them away from early sexual engagement.

Finally, when you need to give your child a direction or a correction, get down to eye level.  Touch a flat palm to the heart or the back. Give a light lift under the chin or gently hold your child's hands. Show a bit of twinkle in your eye and your child can get the oxytocin boost needed to focus and respond, rather than dissociate and react to your words.  

Oxytocin is yummy.  Rub your child's tummy.

Love matters,

Ce

P.S. Check out the Love Matters Parenting Society membership for more support.