Triggering Behavior (Part 1 of 2)

Dear Parent,

I hope you had super wonderful parenting when you were a child.  If you did, then you are one of the best people to have chosen adoption.  Why do I say this?  Besides the obvious well-grounded, deeply loved, and secure core, you have a sturdy foundation covered in emotional down that can provide at once a stable and soft landing for your child from difficult beginnings.

While it takes every ounce of strength and emotional constraint for you to parent your child with attachment challenges and trauma wounds, you likely have the inner resources and hardwired brain to whether the dust storms on your parenting plains.

If you had less than secure parenting, you may be struggling fiercely to create a safety zone for your adopted child. When you decided to adopt, you may have thought your own difficult beginnings would make you just right for the task. After all, you have been through it or something like it.  You know what it is like to have a tough childhood.  This thinking is extremely honorable, however, misinformed.  You may find that you are being triggered by your child's behavior, making you emotionally unstable, volatile, and distressed beyond your wildest imagination. I am aware that there are exceptions.  If you are an exception, I trust you to take what you need and leave the rest.

Personally, I am an example of the adoptive parent from difficult beginnings.  I need to work all the time on my reactivity.  I was the problem most of the time. My kids were wounded and I contributed to their insecurity by reacting out of my own.  Once I truly understood that, I stopped blaming the kids for ruining my otherwise wonderful life.  Then my love and empathy began to grow and I was better able to give what they needed, rather than react when I didn't get what I wanted.

Frankly, I needed their love.  They needed mine first to reciprocate. There in lies the rub. To be a healing parent to your child from the hard places of abandonment and maltreatment, you have to love them first and for long.  If you can do that, your child's love for you will show up... sometime down the road.

Just wait for it.

Love matters,

Ce

P.S. Check out the Love Matters Parenting Society membership for more support.