They Are How They Are

Dear Parent,

I cannot tell you how many times I have given a simple direction to one or the other of my children, had them say "Okay Mom," and then fifteen minutes later found the thing I had asked for completely undone.  In the early years, sadly, I would flip my lid because the frequency of such things exasperated and exhausted me.  Not only that, but I took it all personally.  And, since they had both been diagnosed with Reactive Attachment Disorder, I privately blamed everything on being RAD.  This blame it on the disorder process caused an internal, smoldering volcano to get hotter and hotter until I would blow out like Mount St. Helens. 

I am telling you this because I work with people like me all the time and we are all somewhat alike, with varying degrees of compassion and patience.  Even the most tolerant of parents, over time, becomes weary.

Here is my most sage advice for you and ultimately for myself.  My house would be a refuge of peace and safety if I could always remember this:

Auditory processing is compromised across the board when children of any age are highly stressed or highly anxious.  They get static in their communication system--like a bad cell phone connection. They only get bits and pieces of what you are saying and, because they want to please and may be a little impulsive, they run off and either forget what was said or only do parts of what was asked.  

That's it.  

They are not oppositional, purposefully annoying, rotten, spoiled, inconsiderate, hopeless, helpless, hateful, stupid, damaged beyond repair, self-centered, RAD kids.

They are hearing challenged under stress.  Stress happens any time you speak to them because they are highly stressed and highly anxious humans virtually on high alert 24/7.

So:

• use other modalities
• slow down
• write lists
• teach them to cross things off the list as they go
• give one direction at a time
• use picture charts for daily routines
• kindly ask them to tell you what they heard
• role play
• supervise
• help them remember
• gently remind
• give second and third chances to get it right
• smile when you give directions
• use a soft voice tone
• ask if they need help
• work side-by-side
• take time for training, over and over
• put things in the same place every time
• color code
• make procedure binders 
• encourage them to think for themselves and then accept their thoughts with love and understanding

What?  

Love matters,

Ce

P.S. Check out the Love Matters Parenting Society membership for more support.