The Gift Of Smiling Eyes

Dear Parent,

Sometimes the daily vibration of raising traumatized, attachment challenged children shows on our faces.  I know it has and still does at times show on mine.  There were periods over the course of raising my children when I had to tell myself to act nice.

I used to be extroverted and effusive, but I became weary and depressed when the magnitude of adopting traumatized children set in.  Frankly, it hit me like a meteor. When a co-worker was walking toward me down a hall, I had to prompt myself, "Smile Ce. Look alive!" Then I would flash a smile and, as s/he passed by, my face would reflexively return to its flat, lifeless state.  It took all of my energy every day to look at people.  At home it was different.  My inside voice was dead silent.  Since I had no internal prompt to be engaging or alive, I wasn't and my eyes showed it.

My children must have felt as desperate as I did during those times.  In retrospect a lot of their badgering behavior was directly proportionate to my disengagement.  Back then, I just didn't know what to do to shift gears.  That is why I write these blogs.  I want you to have hope and a few ideas of how to turn things around for yourself.

Eventually, I read enough books on attachment trauma, took anti-depressants, sought therapy, and finally got neurofeedback to recover my ability to engage, be active and, yes, smile without thinking.  I had to get help, grieve, and recommit to living fully before I could lighten up again and enjoy my life and my children.

If you are under this kind of cloud, take heart.  Things can change, but you have to start by getting help for yourself. 

Your children will heal, as you do.

Love matters,

Ce

P.S. Check out the Love Matters Parenting Society membership for more support.