Caution: Teen Mouths Operate Before Brain

Dear Parent,

Teens need attachment love, too.  Attachment challenged children really struggle in adolescence.  All the usual questions of adolescence are magnified: Who am I? Where do I belong?  What matters to me?  To whom do I matter? 

Fears and anxieties are huge for our teens when cortisol and hormones run high. Parents, pump-up your compassion and dial-down your fears.  Remember what it was like to desperately want someone to choose you, like you, touch you, kiss you? Remember what is was like to need to pump up your vibrato, puff out your chest, challenge and win, be right, get your dream date, or be a friend?  

Remember how fitting in and standing out were in constant cross-fire inside your head? 

Remember how old and out of it your parents seemed?

Remember how far ahead of your brain your mouth was?

Now, multiply those memories by the intensity of twenty. To varying degrees our teens are us, plus sized.  If you were never like this, you are going to have trouble with empathy for your teen.  You still need to find some, because rejection, shaming, lecturing, disappointment, outrage, frustration and anger will not create the attachment love connection necessary to get your teen through this volatile period in life. 

You must be the one who changes.  The more you insist that the teen make the changes before you can trust, the less trust there will be.  Trust is like love, you just have to give away a little at a time. Sometimes you get it back, and sometimes you don't. Trusting is risky business. And, no, you cannot lock them in the basement until they are twenty-one.

Trust is like love, sometimes you simply have to give it away.

Love matters,

Ce

P.S. Check out the Love Matters Parenting Society membership for more support.