Tantrumming Is Not What It Seems

Dear Parent,

When your child is tantrumming, she is having a cascade of fear neurochemicals.  It may look like opposition, willfulness, hatefulness, stubbornness, but those are adult interpretations of child survival skills. 

Tantrums are not embarrassing, nor are they your fault. You are not a bad parent because your child gets scared to death sometimes. Tantrums are emotional crises. You are tasked to become a good crisis responder.  Yelling, demanding, insisting, and over powering a tantrumming child is like having a firefighter angrily freak out at you for hysterically crying while your house is burning down.

Yes, you can give a therapeutic hold if she is self or other harming.  She will need you to keep her safe. If holding is not an option, the best thing you can do once a tantrum is in full swing is sit down on the floor nearby, breathe, speak with sweetness in your voice, and wait it out with arms eager to hug.  A favorite snack in your hands can help. The snack will not reinforce the tantrum.  I promise.  Give her words to use:  You are scared and angry right now. That is okay. I understand. You can use your words to tell me. I love you and you are safe with me, sweetheart. I'm waiting to give you a big hug when you are ready for one.

This will not stop the tantrum.  It will, however, instill a sense of felt safety over time. That is the cure.

Parent the brain and heart of your child, not the behavior.

Love matters,

Ce

P.S. Are you pulling your hair out trying to figure out the best way to parent your child from difficult beginnings? Get some real support here: The Love Matters Parenting Society. Honestly, you probably need this.

P.S.S. You can also grab a copy of Drowning With My Hair On Fire: Insanity Relief for Adoptive Parents by yours truly. Parents really appreciate this bite-sized, inspiration.