Self-Esteem Vs. Self-Reflection: Why Praise Can’t Heal a Wounded Sense of Worth
Dec 08, 2025
Dear Parents,
Every parent wants their child to feel good about themselves.
But when we’ve adopted, fostered, or are parenting children from difficult beginnings, that simple goal gets complicated fast.
We’ve been told that “high self-esteem” is the key to success, confidence, and resilience. So we pour on the praise—because it feels loving, and because it works… at least for a minute.
But what if all that “Good job!” and “You’re amazing!” isn’t actually building self-esteem at all? What if it’s building dependence? Or worse, it is backfiring by causing extra pressure to be “good” or even shame because they feel “bad” inside and the praise doesn’t match?
Children with early attachment wounds often learned that love is conditional: they’re worthy only when they perform, please, follow the rules, or stay perfect. So when we praise them constantly, their brains translate that into, “I’m okay because you said so.” Also, “I’m not okay because I can’t get your praise by doing good enough of the time."
It can feel good—dopamine good—but it doesn’t last. And when the praise stops? So does the sense of worth.
That’s why some children melt down after compliments, sabotage good moments, or argue when you say, “I’m proud of you.” They don’t believe it yet. Their internal sense of value hasn’t been built—it’s being borrowed.
Healthy self-esteem isn’t about always feeling good—it’s about trusting that I can handle it when I don’t.
It’s built through:
- Reflection: learning to think about what worked and what didn’t.
- Effort: noticing progress, not perfection.
- Honest feedback: hearing the truth safely.
Real self-esteem is self-respect. And for children from trauma backgrounds, this can only grow inside a relationship where love doesn’t disappear when they fail.
Real self-esteem doesn’t come from applause. It comes from acceptance. Not the kind that ignores flaws, but the kind that sees them and loves through them.
If we can help our children grow that kind of steady self-regard, we’ve given them something better than confidence. We’ve given them resilience.
For more, listen to this week's episode of Unmuted Love at the links below.
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Your Love Matters,
Ce
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Creator of the Love+ Parenting Model found only in the Love Matters Parenting Society Therapeutic Parent Program.
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