Restorative Justice Is The Best Form Of Correction

Dear Parent,

I know you all are doubtful that it is possible to raise attachment challenged, traumatized children without punishing them for their poor behavior. The real challenge is resisting the parental urge to punish. What you can do instead is get extremely good at restorative justice.

For your child, restorative justice is labor intensive, pocket-book painful, and shame free. It is just this simple. If you waste my time, you owe me time. If you break it or steal it, you pay for it from your own resources–allowance, birthday money, savings, holiday money, earned income. No money? No problem. Pay your debt with labor--by dusting baseboards, pulling weeds, cleaning out the gutters, sweeping the patio, doing the dishes, skimming the pool, walking the dog…there are a zillion ways to pay off the repair of damage done or time spent repairing, waiting, searching, taxi-ing, etc.

The world works according to the principles of restorative justice. If you park too long, you pay a price. If you back into another car, you pay to fix it. If you put a hole in the wall, you repair it after shopping and paying for spackle. If you do not show up to a therapy appointment, you have to pay anyway. If you do not show up for work, you are fired and do not collect a paycheck. Restorative justice is educational and excellent training for the future.

Those are the kinds of consequences that make sense, restore justice, require responsible action, and have zero emotional expenditure if you can manage to regulate.

I can kind of hear a cry from many of you parents: What if they won’t do it? If they won’t, then they don’t get the next thing they want until they restore justice. It’s a kind of bar-less jail. When the fine is paid, life goes back to normal. Just like in real life. This can be your child’s real life. Give it a shot and stop punishing poor behavior. Punishment teaches nothing positive. Restorative justice teaches fairness and that you are just.

…And justice for all.

Love matters,

Ce

P.S. Check out the Love Matters Parenting Society membership for more support.