Refereeing Your Child's Conflicts Doesn't Work, and Here's Why
Jan 12, 2026
Dear Parents,
Conflict avoidant? Conflict prone? Which are you, as a parent? Either way, if you are a parent of more than one child, there’s a good chance you have asked yourself, “Why am I breaking up World War III before breakfast… again?”
Sibling conflict can make even the calmest parent feel like they are living inside a never-ending courtroom drama—part judge, part jury. Or maybe you feel more like a referee caught in a fight on the basketball court.
In this week’s episode of Unmuted Love, I sit down with Melanie Zwyghuizen, educator, parent coach, and founder of Gen 1 Parenting, to talk about what your kids really need from you when they go at each other.
You won’t need a whistler for this, just bucket of patience.
Does this sound familiar? One of your children screams → someone blames → someone tattles → and you swoop in to sort out the story, determine guilt, and fix it with a verdict.
Unfortunately, this very strategy rooted in a desperate desire for peace is what keeps the conflict cycle going.
When we constantly fix things for our kids:
- They learn someone else will do the heavy emotional lifting.
- We become responsible for everyone’s feelings (hello, crispy fried parent).
- They miss out on one of childhood’s most important developmental tasks: learning how to work through conflict with another human.
Becoming a coach and letting go of the referee role looks like this:
Referee:
- Jumping in at the first sign of distress
- Interrogating each child
- Deciding who’s right and who’s wrong
- Solving the issue for them
Coach:
- Slowing the moment down
- Staying regulated enough to guide instead of rescue
- Asking curious, open-ended questions
- Helping each child name what they needed or hoped for
- Supporting them in brainstorming their own solution
Parenting this way takes patience, presence, and the willingness to trust your kids with the work of growing. It is hard to trust that our children from difficult beginnings will learn from our coaching, but really that is how they build skills when theirs are lagging.
Check out the full podcast at the links below!
Your Love Matters,
Ce
This week’s Unmuted Love podcast episode can be found at the links below:
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Creator of the Love+ Parenting Model found only in the Love Matters Parenting Society Therapeutic Parent Program.
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