Play Can Be Learned

Dear Parent,

Do you know how to play?

I remember watching my sixteen-year-old son try to get our little Chihuahua to fetch for him, which she had no trouble doing for me.  He was really trying, too.  I realized that he didn't fully understand the nature of playing with dogs.  He hadn't fully mastered playing with peers at that point yet either.

Later, he said, "I saw you pat your leg and make a kissing sound when you were playing with her."  Observant, yet his attempt was out of sync. He missed the more nuanced parts--my eye contact with her, my rhythmic calling, my smiling approval focused on her, my excitement toward her performance.  All of these things he would have to demonstrate in terms of facial expression, prosody, voice tone and reciprocal engagement--things he did not get as imprints in his early years due to maltreatment, neglect, and attachment trauma.

When you play with your children, engage with your eyes, your tuned in timing, your voice tone, your excitement.  Flat, monotone, bored, disengaged play is not play at all. It is not the game or the toys or your hands moving objects around that matter.  It is you being in the act of engagement with your child that makes play, well, play.  Even a dog knows the difference.

Play is the language of children (and apparently of dogs, too.)

You have to make room in your mind for your child's lack of play skills to be able to fully enjoy play.  Over time, your child will learn from watching you how to be playful.  Don’t wait for your child to be playful before you are.

If you play, they will follow.

Love matters,

Ce

P.S. Are you pulling your hair out trying to figure out the best way to parent your child from difficult beginnings? Get some real support here: The Love Matters Parenting Society. Honestly, you probably need this.

P.S.S. You can also grab a copy of Drowning With My Hair On Fire: Insanity Relief for Adoptive Parents by yours truly. Parents really appreciate this bite-sized, inspiration.