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Parents Perpetuate Lying, Yep

Dec 19, 2020

Dear Parent,

As an adult, have you lied?  My guess would be that you have more than once. If you had a difficult childhood, you may have had to work hard on learning to tell the truth. I did.

Our children are you and me, not yet grown up.  

Lying is a survival skill originating from fear—of being left out, being hungry, being in trouble, being abandoned, not being loved, not getting to go, being wrong, never being right, not having, losing, fear of the spot light, fear of alienation, fear of fear.  Lying is a reflexive defense against a cruel world where humans are hardwired to feel fear first. Lying is the last survival skill to get retired in the healing process.  

Things you can do to increase safety:

  • Take lying off your list of heinous crimes.  
  • Anticipate lying as the first response and work very hard to be a safe enough person for your child to talk to about mistakes or errors in judgment. 
  • Don't ask leading questions you know the answer to in order to see if your child will tell the truth.  They probably won't and you will be disappointed once again.
  • See lying as a physiological, neurochemistry problem. Ask your child to breathe and wait before answering any questions. Regulation is the key to the truth.  
  • Alternatives to leading questions: I am going to remind you of something; it is lovely when you use deodorant; brushing your teeth will keep them in your head longer; being a cookie monster is only okay on Sesame Street and never okay with me, Sweetie Pie; cleaning your room is your responsibility and I would be happy to help you with it, but you cannot live in this mess.

Yep, it is a lot of work to be a safe, therapeutic parent.

Physiologically speaking, lying from a child is usually a matter of the chemistry of fear, not defective morality.

Love matters,

Ce

 

P.S. Check out the Love Matters Parenting Society membership for more support.

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