Our Children Are Not Their Chronological Age

Dear Parent,

The emotional maturity of your traumatized child is much younger than his chronological age.  It is hard to believe this because he may be way smart, but this isn't about smart.  This is about trauma.  He is younger developmentally and isn’t ready to do what you want him to by rewarding him.  He needs you to basically hand hold him like a much younger child--not like he is being a baby, but like he is a baby.  This requires parallel, side-by-side interaction, not power and control. Slow things way down.

The new morning routine:

Go into his room, wake him up, and spend ten minutes snuggling, teasing, laughing about something silly, preparing him to get up.  I really love you.  Then, Okay buddy, I'm going to check on you in five minutes and if you have trouble getting up and brushing your teeth, I can keep you company while you do it.

Parent: I really liked our snuggle time this morning.  I don't mind spending more time together.  Let's get you into the bathroom now, babe. (No hands on, just be in his bedroom and stay light-hearted.)  

Child: "I can do it!"  

Parent:  Oh, okay great. I'll check in on you in a few minutes to help you get dressed.

Child:  "I don't need help getting dressed!"

Parent:  Okay, I'll check in on you in a few minutes. Check in every five minutes for a status support update.

Is this tedious?  You betcha.  It is hard to re-parent a child who was traumatized early in life.  He is showing you just how much he needs to be parented like he is younger.  I promise if you go there for a week, two at the most, he will be better and more self-directed--not entirely, but better.

Better is better.  When you pull this off, major victory dance (and maybe a bowl of ice cream for breakfast) because you rock.

Love matters,

Ce

P.S. Check out the Love Matters Parenting Society membership for more support.