Nothing Works (Part 1 of 3)

Dear Parent,

Nothing works… We have tried everything and nothing works… We tried logical consequences, time-outs, negotiating, pleading, bribing, yelling and we refuse to spank, but nothing works… We broke down and spanked, but unbelievably even that didn’t work!

Nothing works...  It sounds like an echo to me, as a therapist focused on supporting people with attachment challenges in their families.  I hear this day in and day out. The circles and circles of effort that wear you down, burn you out, tear you up, and shake your faith break my heart.

So many thousands of adoptive parents feel like they are circling the drain due to exhaustion, fear, hopelessness, resource deficits, ill-informed social workers, well-meaning therapists, and pure lack of peace.  So much of the information given to parents, doesn't work. Nothing works is a universal experience for adoptive parents of attachment challenged, traumatized children.

Honestly, there is no one answer.  There are many answers and the first one is all about you. You.  The second one and third one is all about you, too.

Get help for your own attachment issues, depression, anxiety and grief first, or at least at the same time as you start to learn about therapeutic parenting.  Your ability to stay regulated in times of turmoil is the number one healing agent in your child's life.

Help does not have to be expensive therapy.  It can be any mindfulness regimen that you put together for yourself that soothes your soul.  Do something every day for yourself.

Explore yoga, try meditation, dance in the moonlight or sunlight or cellar, sit still, laugh out loud every chance you get, take short and long walks, sing, write, doodle, nap, exercise, cook fresh foods, eat fresh foods, sip a nice soothing cup of tea, grow herbs and flowers, join a club, befriend neighbors and even strangers who catch your interest, find internet groups of supportive people, ask for help, take a bubble bath, swim, soak, splurge on a little daily bite of dark chocolate, go to the river or pond or lake or ocean, hike, picnic, pray, daydream, star gaze, read something inspiring or spiritual or guilty pleasure, put a lock on your bedroom door and spend some sweet time in there with your partner or alone in the quiet, take up a hobby that you can't believe you would ever like, bake cookies for someone else or for yourself, forgive others and yourself every day for not being perfect, find where your love lives and give it away to yourself and then to everyone you see through your generous smile and your twinkling eyes.

Come on, that beats pretending you don't have needs, right?

Love matters,

Ce

P.S. Check out the Love Matters Parenting Society membership for more support.