No Room For Shame (Part 2 of 2)

Dear Parent,

I hope I never get too old or too experienced to be humbled by my mistakes. I can remember a time when a brave and astute parent told me that her son felt shame because he didn't think anyone liked him at our Center.  I immediately remembered being stern with him about a little behavior he was doing that I wanted him to stop (power struggle.) Even at the time, I told him I was going to have to use my stern Mommy voice if he kept it up (threatening.)  Well, he kept it up and I used my stern Mommy voice on him (overpowering.)  Guess what? He kept it up some more.  I gave him a fidget so he could twist that instead of the other thing (new strategy to win,) but it didn't work and he went back to twisting the other thing. Eventually, I felt annoyed and in my mind blamed his behavior for my feelings (potentially creating a cycle of emotional abuse.)

Does this sound familiar? When I didn't get the behavior I wanted from this child, I was challenged and emotionally triggered. That led to a spike in my cortisol (stress hormone,) causing my prefrontal cortex to go off line. Ultimately, I began operating out of my own reptilian brain to get control. I didn't realize it, but his brain and heart felt it.

I started out being sweet with him and ended up shaming him with my silent, blaming feelings and not so silent stern voice. Where in the world did I get the idea that a Mommy voice is stern?  Answer: from my mother.  When emotionally triggered, we only have access to our early imprinted learning.  That goes for me and you, too.

Mommy voices are not stern. They are soft, loving, patient, and filled with the reflection that your child is precious.  

In my defense I did make an attempt at repair, but I still blamed his behavior for my behavior and, sadly, I didn't even realize it until later. I remember hoping that I would be given the chance to make a heartfelt repair.  You know, the kind where I could take full responsibility for my actions and ask for forgiveness. If this child never trusted me, I would know why.

The sting of humility is a beautiful thing. By the way, he did give me a chance to repair.

Love matters,

Ce

P.S. Are you pulling your hair out trying to figure out the best way to parent your child from difficult beginnings? Get some real support here: The Love Matters Parenting Society. Honestly, you probably need this.

P.S.S. You can also grab a copy of Drowning With My Hair On Fire: Insanity Relief for Adoptive Parents by yours truly. Parents really appreciate this bite-sized, inspiration.