No Room For Shame (Part 1 of 2)

Dear Parent,

If you feel abundant shame, you may unconsciously be shaming your children.  Many of us were parented with a strong nod to shame to keep us following the Golden Rules.  Sadly, shame is an effective deterrent to misbehavior for some children.  It leaves scars, however.
It was effective with me when I was a kid--sort of.  As I recall, I became even sneakier and ate plenty of parent and self-induced shame pie, as a result. Later in life, I came to see that I had internalized all the shaming. Not only did I see my behavior as shameful, at the core of my being I was shameful.  
Everything triggered a shame response inside me--tripping on a crack in the sidewalk, being complemented, making a mistake, winning awards, being seen, not being seen, laughing too much, being too much.  My little children's attachment challenged behavior caused me to spin in terrible shame spirals--bad parent shame.
Nearly five years after I brought my children home, I began to heal and came to a solid understanding (with a lot of therapy of course) that all that shame was unnecessary and that I could keep myself in line with love instead.  I could help my children find their self-worth with love, too. 
Forgiveness, information, help from someone wise, love from others, perhaps a higher power, and empathy will be healing salve for the shame There is absolutely nothing shameful about having an attachment challenged child who has difficulty navigating life, but sometimes we parents feel ashamed by comparing ourselves and our children to others and only seeing the ways we don't measure up. There in lies the shame. Self-love heals shame.  If you have abundant shame, get abundant help.  You can heal. Your children can heal, too.

A shame free life feels like walking on marshmallows.

Love matters,

Ce

P.S. Are you pulling your hair out trying to figure out the best way to parent your child from difficult beginnings? Get some real support here: The Love Matters Parenting Society. Honestly, you probably need this.

P.S.S. You can also grab a copy of Drowning With My Hair On Fire: Insanity Relief for Adoptive Parents by yours truly. Parents really appreciate this bite-sized, inspiration.