Grief: Make Room for the Expression of Grief (Part 1 of 2)

Dear Parent,

Grief plagues our adopted children—about what might have been, over past hurts, feeling different, loss of the perfect family fantasy, and loss of extended heritage.  There is so much confounded pain and sadness over loss of normal, loss of being or having a tummy mommy, loss of siblings and other biological connections, loss of childhood memories, culture, rituals, events and so much more.

Many of the behavioral issues you parent every day are resulting from the desperate attempt of your severely grieving child to cope with life’s sadness and fear of loss. Unexpressed (frozen) grief can lead to depression, self-abuse, malaise, low self esteem, lack of motivation, defiance, emotional outbursts, chronic negativity, running away, lack of enthusiasm and joy, and ironically, even fake happiness (charm). 

Here are some ideas. Read lots of books to your children about adoption, grief, loss, change, cultural differences, and healing wounded hearts. Reading is a natural way of bringing up topics, which kids fiercely avoid.  The pain can be overwhelming for children, so their avoidance makes sense.  Still, don't let their fear and pain keep you from finding non-threatening, expressive, and ultimately healing ways of sharing feelings.

All of our children need help with expression of painful emotions.  If you or your child need more help, you might seek narrative therapy, art therapy, sand-tray therapy, peer groups (online or in-person), and dyadic developmental family therapies to facilitate the grieving process.  

Just a little word to the wiser: avoiding grief does not keep it at bay.

Love matters,

Ce

P.S. Check out the Love Matters Parenting Society membership for more support.