Lying Is Reflexive

Dear Parent,

Our kids get stuck in reflexive behaviors.  We all do. I cannot tell you how many times I unconsciously search for a bite of chocolate when I feel tired, scared, angry, or happy. Well, the search isn't unconscious but the motivation for the search almost always is. That is reflexive behavior I have had since childhood when my mother had some form of chocolate cake, chocolate chip cookie, chocolate pudding pie, or chocolate candy on the counter for every occasion, including a bad day and just because. 

Lying for an attachment challenged child is like chocolate for me—a nasty reflexive habit to break.  Our children are on autopilot, often preparing for trouble before it happens, which is why there is so much nonsensical lying in our homes.  

I remember trying to engage my own daughter in small talk when she first came to live with me by asking, "What are you doing?" when obviously she was playing with dolls on the floor.  I was simply engaging her, but she, as a previously maltreated 3-year-old, instantly felt afraid by the question, would say something like, "Playing with cars."

What? You mean dolls, right?

“NO CARS!” she would insist.

Okay, but those are called dolls.

“NOOOOOO!!  CARS!!”

My thoughts went something like, Okkkaaayyyy kidlet, nice talk.  Let's do it again sometime. Bye now. I felt as though I had tumbled down a rabbit hole into What’s Up Is Down World. 

If a child prepares defenses in advance to cover for a pervasive feeling of being bad or wrong, the resulting answers are usually nonsensical lies when the simple truth would have sufficed without a problem. Over the years, that behavior becomes reflexive and part of a personality structure of self-recrimination and habituated self-defense through lying.

As a parent, what can you do?   You are the one who can change more easily than a fearful child.  Break your own parenting patterns.  I had to stop asking, "What are you doing?" and instead comment on how fun those dolly tea parties looked.

I still tend to lead with "What are you doing?" This is innocent engagement on my part, and both of my children still hear trouble and reflexively lie, as though they are always engaged in something wrong and I am always engaged in catching them. 

That feels so sad to me. Imagine always thinking you are in trouble.

Rethink some of these old standbys:

• What are you doing?
• Did you eat all the cookies?
• Did you watch TV when I told you not to?
• Are you lying? Are you telling me the truth?
• Do you know what happened to the money that was on the counter?
• Did you clean the toilet?
• Did you eat lunch today?
• Where did you go before you got to your friend's house?
• Why were you...?

Think of all the questions you ask for which you already know the answer.  Amazing.  

Helping kids change reflexive lying is quite a challenge until we parents change reflexive interrogating, parenting practices.

Love matters,

Ce

 P.S. Are you pulling your hair out trying to figure out the best way to parent your child from difficult beginnings? Get some real support here: The Love Matters Parenting Society. Honestly, you probably need this.

P.S.S. You can also grab a copy of Drowning With My Hair On Fire: Insanity Relief for Adoptive Parents by yours truly. Parents really appreciate this bite-sized, inspiration.