Jinxed Myself

Dear Parent,

I am often guilty of thinking my children will never learn.  

A specific memory that comes to mind is one from a number of years ago. In the middle of the night, I discovered my son in bed playing away on his computer.  With little fanfare or emotion I said, "You need to go to sleep now and you have lost your computer privilege... goodnight honey," and I trotted off to bed like a little carefree pony.

When 6:30 am rolled around that next day and it was time to go to school, my son refused to speak to me, take his meds, or get up at all.  He spent the whole day mostly in bed and wouldn't speak when I got home. Fast forward three days and he was still not speaking to me or going to school.

My punishing him that night the way I did, albeit calmly with an obvious natural consequence, sent him into a cortisol cascade impeding his prefrontal cortex and launching days of poor decision making.  So, thinking my children would never learn is not the case.  The truth is more like I never learn. 

I know some of you are thinking:  Okay, but what did you really do wrong Ce? He knew he would get into some kind of trouble. He was breaking the rule. He needed a consequence (punishment) to learn not to do it again. How else will he ever learn? 

I truly wish I had a child with a brain that could manage that kind of thinking and that kind of parenting.  I don't.  I have a child with extremely poor cause and effect thinking under pressure.   He still does not learn from natural or logical consequences dropped on him even by a quiet and gentle little pony.  He dysregulates, blows up or in, and makes one poor decision after another.  He can't learn under those circumstances. His brain is offline.  

Frankly, I am the only one in this equation with the capacity to think during times of stress and yet I often don't.  Funny how I want him to do something that I can't.  Isn't that the parent way?  That was my parents' way.  How about you?

When will I learn to parent the brain of the son I have instead of the one I wish I had?  

By the way, this could have been handled the next day with a simple conversation.  He likely would have consequenced himself without the drama, but I had to power-bomb him.  There is a little meanness in me. Oh, the shame of being naked in the mirror of my baser nature.  If I look at it, I can set myself free. This is how I will one day learn.

Parenting from love is challenging in the face of rule breaking children.  Just do it.

Love matters,

Ce

P.S. Are you pulling your hair out trying to figure out the best way to parent your child from difficult beginnings? Get some real support here: The Love Matters Parenting Society. Honestly, you probably need this.

P.S.S. You can also grab a copy of Drowning With My Hair On Fire: Insanity Relief for Adoptive Parents by yours truly. Parents really appreciate this bite-sized, inspiration.