Is Your Child/Teen's Swearing A Thing?

swearing Nov 10, 2024

Dear Parents,

Let me start here by being brutally honest. Ready?  I. Swear.  I swear a lot.  My favorite words are four letter ones.  I tend to punctuate sentences with swear words.  I use swear words for emphasis.  And, when it gets right down to it, I like the way certain words feel when they are spat from my mouth. I'm not proud of this, and...  I'm not really that ashamed of it either.  Sorry.

Also, all four of my adult kids swear.  They know when it is okay and when it is impolite, but at home with the family all four swear and so do their parents.  We might be vulgar heathens, but we aren't that really.

Now that you know this about me, you might not want to hear more about why I think swearing is not an emergency.  Stop now then.

Swearing is one of those behaviors that families, schools, and communities often set limits around, but it’s rarely given a fair explanation. For children from hard beginnings—whether that’s adoption, early trauma, or an environment that was chaotic or rough—swearing can carry a different weight. For them, it’s often tied to deeper feelings about expression, identity, and belonging.

If you’re a parent of a child who’s had a rough start, understanding why they swear can make a world of difference. Rather than simply setting a hard rule, it can help to see swearing as a chance for understanding and growth, something that may take a little patience, a little empathy, and a lot of heart.

1. Swearing as a Form of Self-Expression and a Little Power Grab

For kids and teens who’ve felt powerless or experienced unpredictable early years, finding ways to feel a sense of control can be powerful. For some, swearing becomes a tool—a way to test boundaries, act out, or just feel a little “bigger” in a world that may still feel confusing or overwhelming at times.

When kids with tough backgrounds swear, it might be more than just a bad habit. It might be their way of claiming some space for themselves. They may be trying to show their independence or communicate something they don’t quite know how to say in other ways.

What You Can Try:

  • Recognize the importance of self-expression and explore ways they might feel empowered without resorting to words that push boundaries too far.
  • Gently help them understand that while swearing might feel good in the moment, there are other, sometimes even more powerful, ways to stand up or stand out.

2. Swearing and What They Picked Up at Home or Elsewhere

If a child’s early environment was chaotic or the language was rough, they might naturally bring some of that into their new world. They may have learned to swear as a way to be heard or to join in with the adults around them. It’s no surprise that kids exposed to swearing tend to adopt it themselves, especially if they saw it used frequently.

If your child or teen swears more than you’d like, especially in public or sensitive situations, remember that this might not be rebellion. They’re likely echoing what they heard in their early years, without yet understanding when it’s appropriate to use those words.

What You Can Try:

  • Be the model. Show them the kind of language you’d love to hear back from them, and don’t be afraid to explain why certain words don’t work in certain places.
  • Talk about how we all adjust our language depending on who we’re with and where we are—what’s sometimes called “code-switching.” It’s about teaching them that different words fit in different places, not about punishing them for what they might’ve learned early on.

3. Swearing as a Part of Fitting In and Building Identity

Swearing sometimes sneaks in as part of a bigger picture: trying to find their place among peers. Kids, especially teens, are building an identity, and sometimes they need to stretch a bit to figure out who they are and where they belong. Swearing can become a quick way to try out a new “voice” or test the waters with friends.

For kids who may already feel different or who’ve struggled with a sense of belonging, this can be especially strong. Swearing might help them feel connected to a peer group or express independence. They may be drawn to this as a way of saying, “I’m in control of who I am now.”

What You Can Try:

  • Chat with them about what it means to fit in and what they want others to see when they look at them. Talk about how words can shape others’ views of them, and help them think about how they want to be remembered.
  • Let them know that being part of a group is great, but it doesn’t have to come at the cost of who they really are or the values they hold.

4. Swearing as a Release of Strong Feelings

Swearing doesn’t always come from a place of rebellion or imitation; sometimes it’s just raw emotion spilling out. This is especially true when a child or teen has a lot of big feelings inside—anger, frustration, hurt—that they’re not quite sure what to do with. A sudden outburst of a strong word can feel like a quick, easy way to let those emotions out.

For kids with early trauma, these emotions might run deep, and they might struggle to find the right outlets. Swearing can feel like a momentary fix, but if it’s their main way of coping with tough feelings, it may be worth exploring other ways they can process and express what’s going on inside.

What You Can Try:

  • Help them find healthy ways to work through their big emotions. Maybe it’s hitting a pillow, drawing their feelings, or finding a favorite song to help them get through a hard moment.
  • Assure them that their feelings are valid and deserve space, but there are many ways to express them without hurting themselves or others.

Some Gentle Reminders for Your Child or Teen

Navigating swearing isn’t about being strict or permissive—it’s about helping your child see the value in choosing their words with care and intention. Here are a few tips you might gently share with them:

  1. Use Words Thoughtfully – Words are powerful! Teach them that words can be clever, funny, or thought-provoking—and that using language creatively can sometimes feel even better than letting out an expletive.

  2. Think About How Words Affect Others – Explain that while words can feel harmless, they sometimes hurt more than we intend. Encourage them to consider the people around them and how they might feel hearing those words.

  3. Know Your Audience – Let them know that not everyone around them is comfortable with swearing. It’s a small way to show respect and understand social cues, even when they’re feeling big emotions.

  4. Pause Before You Speak – Encourage them to ask themselves, “What am I really trying to say?” That little pause can help them choose words that reflect who they are and what they’re genuinely feeling.

Swearing may seem like a huge issue to stomp out on the surface, but it can offer real insights into a child’s world, especially for kids who’ve had a rough beginning. By approaching it with empathy and understanding, parents can help them find better, more powerful ways to express themselves, build connections, and feel a true sense of belonging. If you do nothing else with this information, I urge you to take the emergency out of swearing.  Swearing emergencies take the" relationship" out of your parent/child communication.  

Love Matters,

❤️Ce
Creator of the Love+ Parenting Model found only in the
Love Matters Parenting Society Therapeutic Parent Program.

P.S. You are invited, if you haven't watched it already, to register here for my FREE Masterclass helping you bust the negative behavior in your family.

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