Boundaries: How Long Was Your Last “No”?
Dec 18, 2025
Dear Parents,
This is a quick parent-to-parent check-in.
How long was the last no you managed to say?
I don’t mean how long did it take you to say the word no.
I mean the paragraph. The backstory. The apology tour. The evidence packet you submitted to prove you’re not a horrible person, bad mom or bad dad.
You know the one that sounds something like this: “I’d really love to, and normally I would, but things are kind of intense right now with work and the kids and therapy appointments and court dates and I haven’t slept and—maybe next month?”
That’s not a boundary. That’s a nervous system begging not to be hijacked. And if you’re parenting a child from difficult beginnings, this makes even more sense. You’ve already lived through too much judgment. Too many raised eyebrows. Too many people quietly wondering if you are the problem. I sure know those looks.
So, you soften. You over-explain. You try to stay likable at the expense of staying regulated.
I once worked with a parent who said, very thoughtfully, “If I say no, they’ll think I’m a bad person, worse a bad parent.”
There it is. The core fear.
Not I’ll disappoint them.
Not They’ll be annoyed.
But rather, “I’ll be bad.”
When you’re raising a child with trauma, attachment wounds, or nervous systems that live on high alert, you already question yourself constantly. Am I doing enough? Too much? Am I failing them? Is this my fault?
So, when someone asks for more—your time, your energy, your presence—you don’t just weigh the request. You weigh your worth. That’s why the explanation gets so long.
Here’s the plain, gentle truth:
The explanation isn’t for them. It’s for you.
It’s an internal courtroom drama where you’re both the defendant and the jury, desperately trying to prove you deserve rest, space, or limits.
But here’s what trauma-wise living teaches us:
People who respect you don’t need a dissertation.
People who don’t respect you won’t be convinced by one.
Over-explaining does two dangerous things—especially for trauma parents:
- It teaches others that your “no” is flexible if they push hard enough.
- It teaches you that your boundaries require external approval.
Neither is true.
Your nervous system already knows when something is too much. Your job is to listen before you collapse.
Let’s say this clearly, because some part of you needs to hear it:
Your “no” is a complete sentence.
Not a rejection.
Not a character flaw.
Not bad.
Just a limit.
Here are a few trauma-informed, regulation-safe versions of “no” that don’t require self-betrayal:
- “That doesn’t work for me (us).”
- “I’m not available.”
- “I can’t commit to that.”
- “No, thank you.”
That’s it. No footnotes. No apology bouquet.
One of my parents once practiced this with a family holiday. Asked—again—to host. Again, expected to carry the emotional and logistical load while managing a dysregulated child and everyone else’s needs.
She said, “I’m not hosting this year. I’ll bring a dish.”
When pushed, she repeated it.
Calmly. Kindly. Briefly.
Guess what happened?
Someone else hosted.
The world did not end.
And for the first time, she didn’t cry in the kitchen and yell at the kids by the end of the day.
That’s not selfish.
That’s self-aware.
Here’s your gentle practice for today: Stand in front of the mirror. Say “no.” Just the word. Then try one full sentence.
Notice what happens in your body. Discomfort doesn’t mean danger. It often means growth.
The first time feels terrifying.
The fiftieth time feels steadier.
Eventually, it feels like breathing.
And when you protect your energy, you show your child something powerful: That boundaries are safe. That love doesn’t require self-sacrifice. That nervous systems heal when limits are honored. And you are learning to say no without losing yourself, your mind, or your temper.
Let’s practice having simple boundaries.
Your Love Matters,
Ce
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