Hearts Heal

Dear Parent,

If your child came from difficult beginnings, you may notice a core fear in them that there is not enough, that they might be abandoned or rejected, and that they have to get what they want at all costs. Despite the current abundance in their home, that fear drives many behaviors that parents misinterpret as controlling, self-centered, manipulating, sneaky, and calculated.

Look again at the behaviors you dislike, define negatively, and work endlessly to stamp out of your child.  These things come from hardwired fear that originates from an unconscious drive to survive.

Punishment for negative behavior is not the answer.  A felt sense of safety is. Your reassuring parenting—safe words, soft tone, attuned understanding, empathy, structure, nurture, playful engagement, and willingness to be with your child when they feel unlovable and out-of-control—is the pathway to healing. 

It takes a long time to heal the ravages of fear at the core. That often expert-quoted rule of thumb that it takes therapeutic parenting one month for each year of your child's age to heal, is all wrong. Your child needs constant, mindful parenting.  

Your perseverance will pay off in time. Don't give up.  

Broken hearts heal. The key is consistent, regulated, therapeutic parenting over time.

Love matters,

Ce

P.S. Check out the Love Matters Parenting Society membership for more support.