First Few Months Of A Lifetime

Dear Parent,

I am guilty of listing every negative behavior under the sun as a result of attachment challenge.  This is a relative misnomer I know, but there isn't a good, easy way of calling out what many of us experience every day.  So, for expedience (not necessarily clinical accuracy), I generically label.  Mea culpa.

That said, I want to highlight a reality common to many of us--our children are often extremely concrete, lacking what some might call theory of mind.  Theory of mind is what most of us who had a good enough mother/child connection in the early months take for granted--the ability to flexibly toggle between our inside and outside realities. 

Many of our children have a difficult time with subjectivity and objectivity in life. What is inside their minds and what is outside their minds blurs and confuses them. Our kids believe what they think is what everyone thinks. If you are reading this and you are having a hard time following what I am saying, then you may have had difficulty in your early months, too (or I might be doing a terrible job explaining this.)

This way of being is a personality style forged in the early months when the mother attends to a child's every need and engages the child reciprocally, interactively and connectedly--or not.  The or not is the point here.

Your child is not being stupid, difficult, oppositional, or intentionally moronic (which are some labels parents, including myself, have sadly used at times.)  Our children were deprived of essential attachment and bonding experiences in the first few months of life that last throughout childhood.  While this can evolve and change over time, it is just as likely that this concrete, lack of cognitive flexibility will persist throughout the lifespan.  

This knowledge is intended to stimulate your empathy and patience, not despair.  I hope you are getting that.

Love matters,

Ce

P.S. Check out the Love Matters Parenting Society membership for more support.