Enemy Nurturers Are NOT Mean, Right?

Dear Parents,

Let me start this way: I am going to refer to the primary, possibly work-at-home parent as “she” and the work-outside-the home parent as “he.”  I know there are many variations on a theme, but I haven’t figured out inclusive language to cover all the possible relationships.  I ask for grace until the English language catches up. Apologies in advance.

Read on to find out about the plight of "Enemy Nurturers"--usually adoptive moms. 😳

Traumatized, attachment-challenged children unknowingly give parents a run for their money.  If you are a two-parent family and one of you stays home as the primary caregiver, you might find quite a bit of tension around the different experiences of your complex traumatized child.  This can become so big that your marriage/relationship gets threatened.  Seriously, people get divorced because they adopted a child that simply got between them.  Parenting is rock hard in the first place, and it is infuriating if the two parents have completely different experiences of the child. 

Beyond the challenge of raising a hurting child, you will find that the primary parent often experiences the child in a very different way than the work-outside-the-home parent.  This perception difference is deadly to successful therapeutic parenting, and maybe even the relationship.

Let me introduce you to the Jeffers family. Carl works outside-the-home as a teacher.  Lori parents at home their 10-year-old adopted daughter, Sara, and their three other children.  Lori is exhausted and exasperated nearly every day when Carl gets home.  Today, according to Lori, Sara has refused to do anything she was asked to do, and she purposely threw dirt in Lori’s tea when she was asked to feed the chickens (her chickens, her chore). 

When Carl gets home, Sara is sweet and loving to him and silently shuns her mom.  She runs to greet her dad when he walks through the door and is content to do whatever he suggests before dinner.  Lori is angry about Sara’s “acting job” so she finds herself sullen and angry at dinner.  This triggers an outburst from Sara, and Carl decides it is better that he play a board game with Sara and the other kids after dinner tonight. Lori feels childish, ashamed and blamed because she cannot take all this in stride. At bedtime, Carl tells Lori that she maybe needs to back off some and give Sara a break. Lori starts crying and they go to sleep with backs turned to one another. There is nothing new here, as it happens in some form nearly every day.

I hope none of this sounds familiar, but I work with enough adoptive parents to know that much resonates profoundly with you.

When Carl begins to learn about trauma and attachment challenges, he is shocked at how children experiencing complex trauma can be mostly hostile toward one parent and mostly loving toward the other.  Because Lori is the primary parent, she is responsible to make sure all the daily tasks of living in a family get done.  She is what I often refer to as the “taskmaster.” She doesn’t want to be this; it is inherent in her role. While Lori becomes the target of all of Sara’s emotional pain and negative trauma imprints, Carl gets blinded by the adoring, charming part of his daughter who sees him as playful and fun to be around because he is not the “taskmaster.”  Even when Lori demands that Carl participates in discipline when he gets home, this still is seen by Sara as “Dad has to punish me, or Mom will be mad at him. It’s really Mom’s fault I'm in trouble.”

Carl begins to admit, in the back of his mind, that he also had been thinking Lori was a little mean.  When Sara and the other kids complained about her mother to Carl, he would kind of shrug it off, which left Sara and the other kids with the impression that he agreed with the grievances. That is how the wedge in the marriage became more and more pronounced.

 Over time, Carl and Lori had a pretty good amount of tension brewing in their relationship, but Carl really wasn't understanding his part.  He thought Lori was super stressed from being a parent and he began to wonder if she maybe was the problem.  His thinking, and Lori’s rising frustration and hopelessness created tension, splitting, and anger in the children, as well. 

The more Carl learned about disorganized attachment and how Sara’s early wounding was twisting the family dynamic into a bunch of chaotic, angry, tense people, he began to see why their happy life had gone sideways. When Carl and Lori started attending therapy and practicing therapeutic parenting principles, the tension in the family subsided and Sara began to see the united front in her parents that she both despised and needed to heal. It wasn't fast, but it was necessary for a positive outcome for everyone.

Looking for the “bad guy” in this family might be a natural tendency, but that would be short-sighted.  All had a part in the distress, and all had a part in the recovery.  The work-away-from-home parent (often Dad) needs to see that the work-at-home parent (often Mom) is cast in the “enemy nurturer” role by the wounded child.  This makes it impossible for the Lori’s of the world to remain healthy and emotionally stable because they are under constant attack.  Until both parents are educated and on-board a united therapeutic approach, there will be unhappiness feels all around and the hurting child will continue to behave in damaging, maladaptive ways.

Never fear: healing is possible because your love and commitment matter.

Love Matters,

Ce

P.S. Dads and Moms, don't miss out on learning about all of this in The Love Matters Parenting Society membership.  Check it out here.