Denial Of The Traditional Kind

Dear Parent,

If a child has special needs from maltreatment, neglect or attachment breaches in the early years, continuing to use traditional parenting strategies is a harmful form of denial.

Most of us are imprinted with traditional parenting strategies from our own childhoods. They are powerfully compelling; however, we don’t have to act on them. We can resist and learn new, more healing ways.

I was grocery shopping today when I heard the blood-curdling scream of a toddler just ahead. In that same moment I saw her distraught and seemingly dysregulated mother abruptly lift up the little girl and drop her harshly into the cart with nothing soothing to say.  I am certain this mom was exasperated and that this was likely done to the mother when she was a child. 

I've been there. It was probably done to me, though that is no reason to perpetuate it.

When a child cries, no matter the reason, s/he needs to be consoled:

I want to push the stroller.

I want candy.

I want to do it myself.

I don't want to blow my nose.

I don't want.

I just want.

I can't.

I won't.

No!

Any of those, followed by a complete emotional breakdown is a bid for comfort, understanding, and regulation.  It really doesn't matter why the melt down. Soothing is the answer. 

A parent’s job before correction is to provide soothing.

Love matters,

Ce

P.S. Check out the Love Matters Parenting Society membership for more support.