Dear Friends And Family Members

Dear Parent,

If you are a friend or family member of a parent raising an attachment challenged, traumatized child, here is a small primer on how you can really be helpful:

• Do everything you can to resist the urge to say this one thing, "All kids do that."  You are right, and you are also wrong.  The difference between the behavior of an attachment challenged child and an attached child is ATTACHMENT.  Attachment challenges make the frequency, intensity, duration and remedy significantly different.  Trust that the parent of this child is not EXAGGERATING and that you will likely never be able to see or feel the frequency or intensity of the behaviors.  These are usually reserved just for parents, not others.
• Ask how you can be helpful, but not if you don't really want to be asked for help.  Parents of attachment challenged children NEED real, consistent, reliable help.  Be honest if you cannot handle hands on help.  Your relationship depends on your honesty, and there are other ways to be helpful.
• You could probably guess this.  Respite is the number one thing most parents need when they are raising attachment challenged children.  If you have time to give, by all means offer it.  Be aware that there will be a number of restrictions on the activities you can do with an attachment challenged child to keep your kind offer of respite from undermining the family's structure and emotional balance.  Work hard not to dismiss the parent's restrictions by sneaking or colluding with the child.  Even when it seems innocent; it isn't.  For example, "Don't tell your mom that we broke this little no-sugar-rule.  Here is another piece of cake. It won't hurt you."
• Invite the parent of an attachment challenged child on a walk, for coffee, or to a surprise pedicure.  Small gifts for parents are unusual and go a long way toward helping a parent feel loved and cared for.
• Listen without offering solutions.  Trust that the parent you are talking with has tried everything and all they really need is an empathic ear and soft eyes from a friend or family member. That's it.  It's called unconditional love.  This parent doesn't get unconditional love from the attachment challenged child in the family.  If you know how to give that, they will be soothed by it. Thank you for giving your heart this way. It makes their home and our world a better place. 

There is always more, but that's a place to start.

If you are looking for a good cause, give a family of an attachment challenged child a donation of your time, understanding, money, and unconditional love.  You won't have to look too far to find one who needs you.

Love matters,

Ce

P.S. Check out the Love Matters Parenting Society membership for more support.