Cheat Sheet

Dear Parent,

As the parent of a traumatized child with attachment challenges, you might need a cheat sheet to help you avoid the pitfalls of managing their behavior. 

There are many strategies for intervening in disruptive behavior, and they all work with attachment challenged children some of the time. However, the typical strategies designed for normally attached children rarely work at all. So, be prepared to role your eyes at the tips I am about to give. Then, try half of them for two weeks solid and see if you find a couple of discernable changes in your household.

1. Stop being a control freak. I know it seems necessary to keep these little folks under control. Unfortunately, adding your control issues to your child’s control issues is an equation for disaster. Control plus control equals power struggles! Your child really needs structure with love. Let some things go once in a while.

2. Manage your fear. Every time your child steals a cookie and hides it under the bed with the other 59 stolen, half–eaten cookies, stop in your tracks and say this: Stealing cookies is not a gateway to prison. Honest, it isn’t. It just seems like it is. Breathe.

3. Find your heart. This is a tough one and I know it waxes and wanes like the moon. My best advice: 1) Get a support person to listen to your woes, 2) Find an individual therapist who gets attachment challenged children and their parents, 3) Work on your own unfinished business, so your triggers are less touchy, and 4) Spend time enjoying your husband, partner, friends, quiet time, hobbies, and your life (socially distanced, of course)—or at least find some of these. Your child should not be the center of the universe.

4. Remember that your love matters and so does your sanity. Strive for balance in order to pull this off. Structure your home, regain your life, take every break you can, seek solace from your spiritual center, and, finally, ask someone trustworthy to physically and emotionally hold you because you need the neuro-chemicals released when they do.

These four tips have the best and most lasting impact.  I promise.

Love matters,

Ce

P.S. Check out the Love Matters Parenting Society membership for more support.