Neuropathways Are Tough Little Buggers To Build

Dear Parent,

If I've said it once, I've said it a thousand times…  Sound familiar?   What is the point of saying it a thousand and one times?

It depends on how you are saying it.  Are you being a safe, positive neuro-pathway builder, using the loving, attuned voice of a collaborative, life coach?  If so, go ahead and say it one more time, because your child or teen needs help with that necessary life skill.

On the other hand, if you are frustrated, angry, annoyed, sarcastic, humorless and exhausted, don't bother saying it one more time, because you will be creating neuro-pathways you do not want--pathways of anger and resistance.

When my son was 17, putting on jeans was a two-step process for him: 1) pull them up, and 2) button them.  His jeans were ALWAYS unzipped. He needed help with the process. How could that be?  It just was.

Traditional advice would have been to say nothing when standing right in front of him with his zipper gaping. I remember thinking, surely he would learn. Embarrassment from teasing by other kids would kick him into actively zipping his pants. To be sure, I hoped for that, but it never happened. He just got embarrassed and teased.

We eventually agreed to work together to get him into a new three-step habit.   

There was a reason for his behavior and it wasn't for the sole purpose of making me crazy. I could help him or hurt him. That was my choice. Trust me, I have hurt him often. The way I say everything is the difference between a loving relationship and a nightmare.  I have perpetrated both.  

What do you choose?

Love matters,

Ce

P.S. Check out the Love Matters Parenting Society membership for more support.