Shame Is Not Your Family Heirloom
Oct 06, 2025
If shame had a family crest, mine would have been stamped on every dish towel and school
sweater growing up. Maybe you know the feeling—being told you are “too full of yourself,”
“you are disappointing me,” or just plain old, “you are in the way.”
That’s the problem with shame: it doesn’t stay neatly tucked into the past. It slips into our daily
lives and, sadly, into our parenting. And if we’re not mindful and intentional it passes from our
parents… to us… and then to our children.
Kids from difficult beginnings are already loaded down with shame. Trauma, neglect,
abandonment—they teach a child’s brain “I am unworthy, unlovable, unwanted, broken.” Add in
a parent’s unresolved shame reactions and you get a recipe for explosions on both sides.
But you can break the chain.
- Notice: When your reaction to your child feels bigger than the moment, pause. Ask:
“Whose voice am I hearing?” For me, it was always my mom. - Name: Say to yourself, “This is old shame showing up. It doesn’t belong to my child.”
But, I have to tell you, it sure feels like it does. - Repair:If words slipped out, circle back: “I was hard on you before, sweetheart. You are
not bad. You made a mistake, and we can deal with it.” - Re-parent: Give yourself the compassion you didn’t get—warmth, gentleness,
forgiveness, grace. - Now give your child the same amount of compassion. Warmth, gentleness,
forgiveness, grace.
Every time you do this, you cut the generational apron strings. You stop the entanglement. You
give your child a different inheritance: safety, connection, and the radical message that they are
lovable, they belong, they are worthy of all the good things—even in their hardest moments.
Shame may have been your family heirloom. But it doesn’t have to be your child’s.
Listen to this week’s podcast for more at the links below:
🎧 Listen to today's new Unmuted Love podcast episode!
📺 Watch on YouTube!
Love Matters,
Ce
Creator of the Love+ Parenting Model found only in the Love Matters Parenting Society Therapeutic Parent Program.
Want to overcome your child's destructive behavior? Follow this link to find out how you can join the Love Matters Parenting Society today: http://start.lovemattersparenting.com/guide
📖 Get your copy of Drowning with My Hair On Fire: Insanity Relief for Adoptive Parents by Ce Eshelman
✨ Hear the Success Stories: LoveMattersParenting.com/testimonials
🎧 Listen to my podcast: Unmuted Love with Ce Eshelman at your favorite place to listen.
🔍 Check out my websites: LoveMattersParenting.com and AttachPlace.com
👉 Check out my Socials:
🔹YouTube: https://www.youtube.com/@CeEshelman
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