There Is A Place For Correction

Dear Parent,

All my letters about playful engagement being the language of children of any age may have implied to you that there is no room for healthy correction for our children with attachment challenges.  

Whooooaaaa!!!  Hold up.  Not so.  

Playful engagement needs to be as plentiful in your house as food and water. Correction needs to be ever present, too. Yep, I said it. Correction is as necessary as love. You must do it or your child will feel unsafe and run right over you into the abyss.

The real question is, How do you change the way you may have disciplined your child in the past?

Traditional parenting strategies of authoritarian power and control discipline (I'm the big person...Do it or else...) creates even more fear in our children and fear creates more negative behavior. You know the cycle of negative behavior very well, right? The logical strategies from love and logic (You did the crime, honey, so you do the time…) relies on prefrontal cortex linear logic, which is delayed in our children. Neither strategy works to change our children's behavior.  

Built on a loving and secure relationship of safety, play and light heartedness, you need to engage your child with attuned and simple bids for what you want from him or her--use words, stick together as a family, don’t hurt anyone, and repeat something with respect.  That's it.  No punishment is necessary and no punishment will be effective to change behavior for long.

Once your child uses words, tells you what they need, gives you respectful eyes and tone, does it again the right way, you are done with correcting.  It's over.  Let it be over on the spot.  Give a hug and go back to playing.  

Sometimes getting a simple respectful word may take an hour of floor sitting attention from you. That time is an investment now for the future.  I've said this before and it still holds true, Pay with time now or pay with worse behavior later.  The price is going to be your time and energy one way or another.  The prize will be new, corrected neuropathways.

New positive neuropathways are things of beauty.

Love matters,

Ce

P.S. Check out the Love Matters Parenting Society membership for more support.