Fight the Good Fight for the Minds of Your Children

Dear Parents,

The world is changing so fast.  Social media has changed everything.  Some for the better and a lot for the worse. When we look at it in a binary way, all good or all bad, then we lose the ability to truly think about it holistically. These days our children often know more about some things than we parents do, and it is different to be in this position as a parent so early in our children’s lives.  They know more about technology than we do, unless you happen to be particularly tech savvy yourself, and they can get around most of the guardrails we try to put in place to keep them safe.  

I have been known to “poo poo” social media entirely.  I was completely against giving kids internet and social media access period.  I felt like a doomsayer standing in the middle of the street shouting, “The end is near!”  Honestly, I could see the ways addiction to fast moving words and pictures was interfering in family relationships and parents were telling me they had no power to stop the downhill slide.  The amount of helplessness about it was palpable, so most parents just threw up their hands and gave in with the thought, “It’s everywhere and we can’t stop our kids from using it.”  I spent the first 10 years of the Smart Phone phenomenon telling parents to buck up and put their foot down on technology until their kids where “emotionally” old enough to manage the seduction of the internet.  That went over like sand in the wind. 

Then there were those people who loved the new freedom of connection with people all over the world at our fingertips.  I liked that, too. I’m a gadget type of person. You should see my kitchen.  I have a gadget to do everything and most I haven’t used in years because a knife is good enough. Still, a new iPhone or Apple watch reveal and I am there happily forking out hundreds of dollars for the next better thing.  I caught the bug and I was all in.  I had more Apple products on my body and desk at any given time than Tim Cook. I’m certain.  Frankly, that is not past tense.  I still have that going on.

As time went on, I started adopting the same stance as many parents, “It’s everywhere so we might as well embrace it.”  The “all for it” mindset personally brought me more and more work at all hours of the day and night, not to mention across weekends and vacations anywhere in the world I happen to be. I found myself always “on.” Just like the iPhone child, I was hooked and couldn’t get off for fear of not being timely enough for tech users or simply just missing out. FOMO became a thing for me. I have never been a social media person, but even I was looking at things on various new platforms—Facebook, Instagram, TikTok, Discord—trying to keep up. Weird. Who was I?

I am a person in fast-paced, modern times and I get to figure this out for myself in a way that makes sense.  I also am in a position to help parents deal with this in their families rather than simply being a “no on tech for kids” adviser (which I think I have previously been.) 

Some parents feel more empowered by the safety nets like Bark phones and GABB watches, to name only two in the tech pond of new attempts to safeguard the ocean of information at our children’s fingertips. I’m all for any and all of those safeguards.  They change every day, and I am in no position to advise you on the best.  All devices have parental controls and no parental control on tech is absolute.

I think the true answer is with parents becoming the guardians of their children’s minds. Just as we all now start early teaching our children about safe touch and safe body practices, we need to begin early educating our children about safe guarding their minds--the positives and the dangers of social media and internet relationships. We need to influence their minds from the beginning of giving our phone to them to entertain themselves with when they are toddlers.  Yes, we need to prevent harm through early education. 

Children need help distinguishing truth from lie, fake from real, real from surreal, honest from deception, gimmick from information, entertainment from education. They need you to sit down with them and see what they are watching and have a conversation about it, just like you might if you come across a provocative scene in a PG movie.  Oops, let’s shut this off for a second and talk about what you just saw.  Those are uncomfortable conversations to have when you thought the movie was “safe” for their eyes.  But that is okay.  Your children will remember you as a parent who made sure they understood things.

My daughter talks about things she learned from me that makes me feel so good, even though I really didn't know I was teaching her these things specifically.  For example, when she was 18 I heard her tell a friend, “My mom taught me early to believe in myself and to never let anyone keep me down.  That’s why I’m a feminist.”  Really?  That’s awesome.  I did that?  Well, of course I did.  She watched me live my life and that is how I live. 

What legacy will you give your children about social norms, social mores and expectations that may or may not be in their best interest?  How will you do that?  In my opinion that is the gift of ubiquitous screens.  Since they are everywhere, we are always in a position to add a little positive commentary about how they can look at what they are seeing or what they are believing when they see it.  Just like when I sat my 9 and 10-year-olds down to watch Super Size Me.  We talked all about McDonalds, at the time their favorite happy place.  They really didn’t ask to go back there for some time.  We even still joke today about the nuggets being made of pink slime.  I really don’t remember if that came from the movie or not, but my family firmly believes it did.

Critical thinking has to be taught, and we are responsible for teaching them to our children as they grow.  It is best to start this process early before their brains start to prune back in adolescence and they decide “This is who I am” …a person who has relationships with anime avatars, a person who has a stomach fetish, a person who likes sexual acts with little toy objects, for extreme and very real examples. Critical thinking skills are simple: 1) brainstorm all the ways one can see or think about something, 2) list the pros and cons of each way of seeing or thinking, 3) actively choose a position or solution, 4) act on the decision, and 5) evaluate the outcome after the action is taken.

Here is a simplistic example: A TikTok video insists vaping weed is not harmful to teens. Critical thinking process: 1) ask your teen to list everything they know or don’t know about weed and find out as much information as they can about how weed impacts teens, 2) once they have the facts, pro and con vaping weed, 3) based on all the pros and all the cons, decide what is in their best interest at this point in time, 4) decide on an action, and 5) evaluate after a couple of weeks. 

The result may disappoint you if they come up with a decision you don’t like; however, critical thinking is the skill that will serve them the rest of their lives even if they decide to continue vaping weed for now.  You can do this same process for social media or any other thing.  Armed with a critical mind and a process to evaluate decisions, your teen will be better equipped to face all the things in life that are hard choices in the moment.

Parenting is amazingly hard and yet quite wonderful when you realize you can do it in a way that is lasting and non-punitive. You can only do the best you can. They have a trajectory of their own.

Your love matters,

❤️Ce